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the introductory post!

so, here's my first post. it feels so good to write again! :)

i started medical school in india, last year. it was a blast! i passed first year with great marks and great friends.

this june, i started a relationship with one of those friends. over the year, we had become best friends. i can't joke with anyone, or talk to anyone, the way I talk to him. i'm in the process of writing certain episodes from last year in a different journal: americandesi66 
this journal, however, is about present day.

so a small summary of our relationship, if you care to know:

he's my best friend. he's 3 years younger to me. somedays, he can be so mature and wise, i feel ashamed knowing i'm the older one. other times, he's 10 years old. we're both in the same batch at our medical college. he drives a bike and can discuss literature. he has a thing for star wars. he's incredibly soft hearted but is incredibly sarcastic when he speaks. people have told me that i'm the only one that knows how to shut him up. i'm proud of that fact. :P

here's the problem:

it's india. so relationships are always secret. love marriages (as opposed to arranged marriages) are looked down upon by elders but worshipped by teenagers who want to live the bollywood dream.

so, i can't tell my parents about my relationship with him. which is easy, since they're still in the u.s. but still makes me feel like crap, especially since our relationship has become so serious.

his entire family knows about me. his mom is really laid back and acts more like his friend than a controlling adult. i'm disarmed by this. i don't know how to talk to her. she's really nice to me. she jokes around and even invited me to dinner and doesn't mind (too much) that i'm constantly over at their house....yet, i cannot talk to her. she has tried, so much. but i cannot get over the fact that she's his mom, and had it been my mom or dad....i would not have expected AK (my boyfriend) to sit there and have huge conversations with them. (his parents are divorced and his dad lives in the u.s.)

i had planned to take a box of sweets to their house and wish everyone a happy diwali...but it didn't work out, and i didn't end up going to their house.

yesterday, AK tells me...."you know, you forgot to do something this diwali."
i said, "i did? what's that?"
AK, "you didn't call my mom up and wish her a happy diwali.she mentioned it."


after my huge plan of going to their house and distributing sweets and wishing everyone.....
i didn't realize that i didn't end up doing ANYTHING...didn't even THINK that i could call her up.

and then, she also told AK that she feels CHEAP because she knows exactly how serious our relationship is....and yet, my family doesn't even know that we're really good friends.

i just feel like a horrible person, and i don't know how to make it up to his mom.

i'm back :)

Hey everyone that's left on my friend's list....

long time no talk!

I've started a new journal.....well...it's like a relationship diary,really. so if you're interested.....check out americandesi66

and...check back here later....

i'll start posting again.

i missed LJ! :)

stolen from umbreons_shadow ;)

 Comment on this post, and I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.


the one where you complete the sentence

a winding road
full of change
endless possiblities

What do the following words mean to you?


Nov. 11th, 2007

Tagged by:
The rules are easy just post 6 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 6 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it's good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in awhile.

1. I went to a Diwali party yesterday and met many childhood friends I haven't seen in months. I also got to play guitar hero there and now totally want that game....unfortunately I have a game cube and the first playstation.
2. I'm going to India in December! :D
3. I'm making progress on  three creative project/hobbies (building two websites and a show for youtube), and  I've gotten much better at playing the violin, indian dance, singing, and my monologues.
4. Tomorrow's Veteran's Day which means I can stay home! YAY!
5.  I'm reading a really enlightening and intellectually stimulating book: In Spite of the Gods: The Strange Rise of Modern India and also reading up on the India-Pakistan problems
6. The really hot HOT hot guy at the Bashas' seafood counter flirts with me whenever I go in that store, and gives me free food. ;p

I tag: 
petite_rani [info]funlovinsheena</div>  ladymarmalade2  oblivion_falls ziyaa umbreons_shadow


 I didn't call the manager back. I couldn't. It's the stupidest thing...... but I didn't want to lie.  My entire life right now is a lie, and just getting that job was a lie, and I don't know...I couldn't bring myself to call him and tell him the smallest little fib that my car had broken down or something. 

It's because I don't want it. I don't want that job. I need it, but I don't want it. 

(um...how am I going to pay that girl back NOW???? <palm to forehead> idiot.)

Anyway, since I'm making up excuses, let me tell you...it was really far away anyway. That's the whole problem. I gave myself an hour to get there, got lost, and got there 15 minutes late. It would have still taken me 30-45 minutes to get there even if I wasn't lost. 

So, blah to that. I need to find another job. Again. Yipee.

I do want to thank the two of you who commented for your really kind words. They truly made me feel so much better. I seriously thought, "see! I'm not such a freak...or at least there are other freaks like me :)" So thank you! 


And there's this kind of creepy photographer/artist that wants to either sketch me or take pictures for his portfolio. He put up a TFC post on craigslist, so I sent him a headshot. His next email was like gushing with creepy excitement. When I asked him to send me some of his work, he sent my pictures of these two older women (40s). One was a nice headshot, but she was wearing clothes from the late 80s and the next was a heavier woman in a black bra. She was covering her stomach and cleavage with her arms, but it was obvious that she was just wearing a black lace bra and jeans. 
He signs his emails as "bertie" but I don't think that's his real name. His email is ...."azphotoguy".... so i searched "azphotoguy" on google and I got lots of photography sites, but none of them said Bertie. I got this site with a guy named adam or somethign and he had amatuer but nice shots of his dog and stuff. But obviously that wasn't Bertie because if he had those shots, he would have sent those to me instead.
I don't know. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe he sent me those shots because I said I wanted some actor's head and bodyshots. Maybe he doesn't usually take those, and those were the only ones he had as examples. 
He also sent me one of his sketches. He said he couldn't scan all of it, so it was just half a face. The portrait was of Mel Gibson. Or someone who looked a lot like Mel Gibson. It was really good, but it just didn't feel like a scan. I know that sounds so stupid right? But it looked like something you could Photoshop. 
I don't know. I just feel kind of nervous about this guy. 
This girl got shot by two teenage boys recently for replying to a babysitting ad on craigslist. 
Maybe I'll just ask him to do the photoshoot in a busy park or something. Or not do it at all. I don't know.
Better safe than sorry. Right?

Also, here are a few new projects I'm working on:

- my grandmother,mom,and I are working on this charity project in India. My grandmother knows of a few poor women artisans who could do with a little help. We're thinking of selling their products in the U.S. That obviously is an enormous project to start, but my mom brought back with her some sample necklaces that one of the girls made. They're very pretty and I've already sold 3 of them through the lady who cleans our house for $8 each. Which really isn't too shabby. They're very popular with the Mexican older women (again, 40s), but I'm not sure how they'd hold up with the general crowd. They're very Bohemian. I might post a picture up later.
Anyway, so I'm working on a site so that I can sell them online. Not only is it for a good cause, but it my family and I get to learn a lot from this first business venture. 

So this is getting too long. 

I feel like writing so much more but I think I'll confine it to my tangible diary. You all have been bored enough, if you even got this far! :)
So, I didn't go to orientation. 

I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, but I didn't go. It didn't get cancelled, nothing happened to me...I just got there 15 minutes late. It was from 11-2, and I didn't realize it was so far from my house. It took me waaay too long to get there, especially since I got lost and took the wrong freeway. 
Anyway, I never called the manager to tell him I'd be a little late...so by the time I parked, I was 15 minutes late. I just sat in my car for 5 minutes, trying to force myself out but I couldn't. I don't know if I was too scared to go in late, or if I was just too proud to admit a mistake or what, but I just ended up heading back home after a few minutes. 

I'm seriously disgusted with myself. I haven't even called the manager to say I'm sorry, because I know I'll have to lie. And I don't know what to say. I mean, I know I can probably reschedule, but what's my excuse?

I'm just really depressed overall. I don't know what's come over me. I know that deep inside, I really don't want to work there. Deep inside, I still haven't dropped out of school. But I need to face reality. I NEED that job. I don't have a penny, I'm already $120 in debt, and I'm going to move out in a few months. I need a job that pays good money, and the manager promised me I'd get at least $20/hr. 

I'm so utterly sick of myself. The past two days I've been physically exhausted. My mom thinks I'm coming down with something, but I have no temperature. I just feel very, very old.

Wednesday, I came back home at 3 after a few errands and decided since this was my last Halloween at home, I might as well make it a big one. So from 4-6 I worked like a maniac trying to make our front door look really scary with whatever material I had at hand.
Yeah, 2 hours and very little help later, I was only 1/2 way done and people were already trick or treating. At bloody 6 pm! Who does that? It wasn't even dark yet.!!!

So, in short, Halloween kind of sucked...but it was entirely my fault.

I always have these big dreams, loads of ideas, but I can never acheive them. That holds true for Halloween and it holds true for the rest of my life. I always feel like I need some support, but that no one could care less and I'm left helpless.

It's just the way I think. I need to be more optimistic, but when I am...I tend to go over the top with my dreams. 

Stupid ideas. Get out of my head. I need that space for reality to sink in.


In other news:

The horror movie in which I'm an extra (but get screen credit) shoots this Saturday. From 3-9. What excuse can I give my parents. If it was from 3-6 I could say review session, but 3-9? My dad will flip. There's no excuse for me to be out that late, especially since my parents don't let me stay over at friends' houses. So what to do? I have to get into a film by now, I have to have some experience, but is this stupid extra role really worth it?

I'm also considering this lead female role in an action flick. I sent the producer a headshot and he said I looked the part! I was excited, but they have yet to make a decision. And I'm barely 5'1. That might be a problem. Not that he said anything, but I know  it will. It's a really interesting role: the girl's this journalist who is reporting during this alien invasion or something. Eh, it's a role and they think I completely look the part. 

I'm also planning to audition for this other movie. It's a small role: a cheerleader pulls her quarterback boyfriend into a closed closet and basically tells him she thinks she's pregnant  and she's not sure she should go to practice. He tells her its not a big deal, football's more important, that he'll talk to her later and they'll figure things out. It's a really emotional scene that should be hard to audition for. But that's not what worries me. I'm south-asian. when was the last time you saw a south asian cheerleader?
If that doesn't work out, I'll audition for a much smaller part of this girl who asks a main character for donations to this charity. He gives her a load of money and says something like "there, go build yourself a taj mahal." So, it is kind of fitting that I play her. Right?

Hope everyone's Halloween went well. I'm also pissed because the spray hair coloring doesn't work on black hair. 



I'm excited, can you tell?

Of all the holidays, halloween is my favorite. well, in the U.S. it is anyway.

I'm dressing up as a vampire. SO EXCITED!!!! :D

I've been jumping up and down...and skipping. I've been SKIPPING. 

I'm totally more excited about all of this than my brother, who is ten.

So, if you want:


Oh, and I have my job orientation today....I wonder if I get paid? He said training was paid, I wonder if orientation counts as training. That would be awesome because then I could start paying that girl back. 


Yay for the holidays and scaring little children!!! ;D

Ok, my friends page is getting cluttered guys. I'm going to be taking some people off. Mostly those who I dont feel any sort of connection with....and all the dumb communities I joined in the beginning. 

If I de-friend you and you think I shouldn't have, please let me know here.